Awake
Choi
Eun Sun
I heard her when she came into the room, Young Min’s
sister Jae Hwa. She stood by the bed, I thought she would leave; instead she
slid in beside me and began to cry softly with her head on my shoulder. Why did
she come here? I didn’t move, I just laid there in the dark my face towards the
window watching the day light behind the curtains turn into darkness, the way I
felt my life had. Now there was anger and hatred in my heart, I didn’t want to
be in this room this house knowing that that woman was just in the next house
over, in my mind I pictured myself taking vengeance on her for my child’s life,
the taste of it was strong on my tongue, and every part of my body was on fire
from those thoughts.
How could I possibly stay here with Young Min after
all that has happened? Our love has always been strong from the first day we
met in Paris; we were inseparable. We had tried to spend every waking moment
together, of course it was impossible, our schedules were hectic, so we stole
time when possible. A quick dinner or lunch here or there, sometimes even
stolen moments of lovemaking. Our calls were cut short for meetings and travel,
but we always made sure that we saw each other no matter what the cost or risk.
This was enough; being with me has made both our lives
complicated and painful. In order for us both to have some peace I had to
leave.
As Jae Hwa slept soundly, I quietly slipped out of bed
using what little strength I had in me. Quickly I dressed and packed a small
bag, made my way down to the first floor in the dark. The house was completely
quiet; the only sound came from a grandfather clock chiming away the hour, nine
p.m. I took one last glance back at the stairs, this was no time to debate with
myself leaving was for the best, I hoped that Young Min could one day forgive
me, and live a happy life.
Earlier Young Min told me about the head stone that he
had placed for our child, by the gardens, but I had no idea how to get the
gardens. At the gates leading to the street, I stopped slowly went to me knees
bowed three times, and prayed for my child’s soul to rest peacefully and to watch
over his father. Tears escaped my eyes as I opened the gates, hailed a taxi,
leaving my broken heart at the gates of the Kim Family Home. In that taxi I
disappeared into the dark, not looking back.
Two months after leaving Seoul I found out I was
pregnant. My mind instantly went back to the day I woke up, in the midst of
Young Min trying to console me we ended up making love. Leaving the doctors office I was in a daze as
I made my way to my car. How could this be? For a moment I thought about
calling Young Min, no if his mother knew about this she would try to take this
baby away too and I couldn’t allow that to happen, no matter what I had to
protect my baby this time, and in order to do that I had to leave Korea
altogether.
A week later my house was
packed up and I found myself on a flight bound for Paris, only telling my
sister where and why I was going. I begged her that if any one came looking for
me to say she didn’t know where I was. 
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